HELLARAD

HELLARAD’s own preview to the Hometown Throwdown (happening this weekend in Portland, Oregon) in the form of…a love letter, from the Bay Area:

Dear Bonnie Thunders,

You don’t know me, but I know you. I’ve heard all about you while growing my
derby legs over here in San Francisco: 2008 Champion MVP (pee on yer mom!),
captain of Gotham All-Stars or something or other (whatever, two year winning
streak, bet you all got streaks in yer pants!), WFTDA Skater of the Month (eff
that, I was Customer of the Month at my corner Starbucks two years ago!).

Yeah, I know about all that. Even though a continent of barren derby talent separated
the two of us throughout most of our derby careers (well, until the Rocky
Mountain sisters sprouted from the loins of workhorses), I finally caught that
game you guys played against Boston at ECDX this year. Not to say that I
haven’t seen you in person, taking red-eyes to the big apple every month only to
crawl into your window to watch you sleep at night, just to make sure you
actually, you know, breathe, like the rest of us mortals. Damn you snore, girl!
But, I digress. While you were stretching before the Boston game, I left my
grilled cheese in the hands of Bane-Ana and ran over to your fancy Five Stride
skate shop setup and rifled through your gear bag. While watching you jam all
Matrix-like in the pack, flying horizontal at times, I was inhaling the sweet,
sweet mesmerizing perfume of your sweat hankie –- actually I think it was a
sweaty black sock but I pretended it was your hankie. From 60mph to a dead
hockey stop behind a wall of three stupefied Boston blockers on the
straightaway, you squeezed through a space 6 inches wide with what little
momentum you had left and then sprung back to 60mph before I could believe my
eyes. You see, when you turned sideways to get through them, you fucking
disappeared!!

I know your hoodoo tricks, Bonnie. I’ve been watching –- and
watching (and wearing your hankie on my head every night ever since). Oh,
believe me, I’ve been watching. I know your cunning tricks to worm your way
into the hearts of derby fans and derby girls everywhere. Yeah, I know you lent
one of our star jammers your own kneepads for our game against Philly moments
before we started just because she was in a bind and you wanted to give us good
luck. Yeah, well, fuck you. We don’t need your good luck because we’re going
to make you cry, Bonnie. Cry! You know what I was doing while you were
synchronized figure skating in college? I was getting baked and eating Dorito’s
while playing backgammon on my couch! But now I can penalty track at games like
lightning! I got my own skills. So, yeah, this weekend. You probably think
you’re hot shit cuz you’re all svelte like a damn cheetah. Well, my flabby
gluteous maxes will make you scream for mercy! My butt, your face. Get a piece
of my forced back block, beeyotch! And then you’ll see, I’ll make you
understand that the combination of our omnipotent derby powers means we could
take over the whole world! We belong together, Bonnie. You can teach me all of
your secrets. Marry me, Bonnie! Wait, no! I mean, fuck you! Wait! No! I
mean, I love you! No, fuck you!

Creepily yours,
Windigo Jones
#1491

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Make sure to catch Windigo Jones and the B.A.D. Girls All-Stars as they take on Bonnie Thunders and the Gotham Girls’ All-Stars in the first bout this weekend in Portland, Oregon at the Hometown Throwdown!